THESE REALLY WORK!!

I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!!!!



1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE, WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

When life gives you lemons…squirt the juice in your enemy’s eyes!!!




If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle!!

(Date Posted:03/03/2010 4:31 PM)



Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked,'What's on TV?'

I said,'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said,

'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....


---------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


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Pictures I enjoy

LOL!!!

I must be sicker in the head than I thought! I havent stopped laughing yet! All I could think of was he should have kept it in his pants.

March 05, 2010 • 10:33 am
By Diana Fasanella
A Croatian man has admitted that he has not gone outside when it’s thundering for three years since lightning struck his penis.


Not your normal lightning rod


Zoran Jurkovic of Vukovar was hit by lightning on his penis while riding his bicycle near the village of Perkovici during a thunderstorm in 2007, the Croatian Times reports.

Jurkovic, who friends have nicknamed “Thunderous,” was hit by thousands of volts that melted his bike. The rubber tires saved his life, doctors said.

To get back at his friends for their teasing, Jurkovic tells them his lightning-struck penis now has extraordinary abilities. In actuality, he says he just happy it’s functioning properly.

Jurkovic lives with his mother and is not married. (What a shock)

No stealing this guy’s thunder.